Virgin

> The bride tells her
> husband,' Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I
> don't
> know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me
> first?'
> With a SMILE on his face caringly touching her in places,
> he says 'OK,
> Sweetheart.
> Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
> prison' and call
> my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is
> PPP- Put the Prisoner
> in Prison .
> And the rule is that in prison the prisoner does not just
> lie down
> there, he really has to work. 'And then they made
> heated passionate love
> for the first time.
> Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, panting
> but smiling
> with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles,
> 'Honey the prisoner
> seems to have escaped.
> 'Turning on his side, he smiles. 'Then we will have
> to re-imprison
> him. 'After the second time they spent, the guy reaches
> for his
> cigarettes but
> the
> girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of
> making love, gives him a suggestive smile, 'Honey, the
> prisoner is out
> again!'
> The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs
> of a recently
> born foal.
> Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She
> nudges him
> and says, 'Honey, the prisoner escaped again.'
> Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, 'Hey,
> it's not a life sentence,
> OKAY!!!

MEN'S PEARLS of WISDOM

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I choose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialler were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man©ps life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

Friday Night Out

Kamau is a hard worker, and he spends most of his evenings after work playing pool or watching the EPL.
One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to New Florida for a night out.
The bouncer spots them and says 'Ehhh Kamau? Mambo?'
His wife, surprised, asks Kamau if he has been here before. 'No, no. He's just one of the guys I play pool with.'
They sit down, and a waiter approaches, sees Kamau and says 'Vipi Kamau? Pilsner baridi kama kawaida?'
His wife's eyes widen. 'You must come here a lot!'
'No, no' says Kamau 'I just know him from choir practice.'
Then a girl, dressed to kill, walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Kamau and says 'Kamau, umepotea sana!'
His wife, fuming, collects her purse and storms out.
Kamau follows her and spots her getting into a taxi, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Kamau have it full blast.
At this, the taxi driver leans over and says 'Sure looks like you picked up a fucking bitch tonight, eh, Kamau!'

Did U Know That

.

Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it whitens your teeth

The American Dental Association says that semen cuts plaque better than mouth wash, so suck a dick and save a smile.

Having nice sex burns 358 calories.

Having rough sex [make it hurt] burns 543 calories.

Take off her clothes
with her consent.........................12 cal
without......................187 cal

Take off her Bra
With two hands..........................8 cal
With one hand.........................12 cal
With mouth.............................85 cal

Put on Protection
hard .......................... 6 cal
soft..........................315 cal

Foreplay
Looking for target...................8 cal
Finding G spot ......................92 cal


Entry
Holding her..................12 cal
On the floor.................8 cal

With Different Position
Missionary..........................358 cal
Doggy...........................316 cal
69 lying...............................286 cal
69 standing.............................512 cal
Italian hanger.........................912 cal


Real................................112 cal
Faking................................315 cal

After sex
Lying in Bed............................18 cal
Hop off the bed............................36 cal
Wondering why she left pissed off...........816 cal

Get dressed
Quiet and calm...........................32 cal
Rushing.........................98 cal
Heard her boyfriend opening the door.............1218 cal
Heard her mom at the door.............1942 cal
Her dad walking in..............................Priceless!!!


Cal- calories.

Quickies

1) What is a KISS?

It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead to further
PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build the next GENERATION.

2) Latest Statistics:
What men do after sex?
- 2% eat.
- 3% smoke cigarettes.
- 4% take shower.
- 5% go to sleep.
- 86% get up and go back home to their wives.

3) Why is your d ! ck better than a credit card?
- Once spent it recharges itself. - It is accepted worldwide.
- You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

4) A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.

The lady sitting next to him asked:
Are they your babies?
MAN: No, I work in a Condom Factory and these are customers COMPLAINTS.

5) Women top 5 lies:
I am a virgin.
It is so big.
I can't do that to my best friend.
I won't gain weight after marriage
I am coming! I am coming!!!

6) A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says:
You want to play magic?
She says: What is that?
He says: We go Home, F*ck, and then you disappear.

7) What is the closest thing to a woman's period?
Your SALARY...It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and
I f it doesn't come, you are F*CKED!!

What Men Should Say After Sex

1. 'I was kidding about being sterile, you know.'
2. 'Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?'
3. 'How come it's so BIG in there?'
4. 'You've done this with a lot of guys before - right?'
5. 'Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, okay?'
6. (Sniff, sniff) 'Is that cat food?'
7. (Yelling) 'Okay guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!'
8. 'You're great in bed, but your sister gives better blow jobs!'
9. 'My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better.'
10. 'Do you know what a 'douche' is?'
11. 'Maybe if you did some push-ups, your boobs would grow?'
12. 'I want you to try some of MY deodorant.'
13. 'I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?'
14. 'Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!'
15. 'I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!'
16. 'I've been getting these little blisters lately...'
17. 'You wanna do those dishes before you leave?'
18. 'You should go wash that, the cabby will think something died in there!'

My list of Fame (Read shame)

do you people keep those lists of people youve lungulad like me?

Here are the details:


Victims.................2(impregnatedand got lost)
Kiuks..................36(strictly with condom)..
kaos....................12
kales...................2
Rwandeese.................13
kuro....................30
Mistaken ids.........11
Take aways...........11(lonely young chics in a club)

Stupid Questions Women Ask?

1.'Am I annoying?'
2.'Do I look fat?'
3.l once dated a girl who while going at it would ask 'how does it feel, like inside'?
4.'what are you thinking'?
5.'How many women have you slept with before me?'
'What were their names?'
6.'Do you have anything you'd like to tell me?'
7.are you tired with me?
8.when you are between the legs....do you love me?
9.'are you cumming'
10.'do l smell funny'

10 things not to say to a naked woman

1.You must be very experienced.
2.wow..when did you shave last?
3.You’re not ‘that’ fat.
4.Look….I can get my whole arm in.
5.You’re not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway
6.can we switch off the light?
7.what that smell?
8.l did'nt know you are dat black..
9.are they alwayz dat shagging..
10.pause for a photo..

Im Sober!!

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the room and my Hubbs insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else...
After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally
proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle
and poured the contents down the sink
with the exception of one glass, which I drank.


Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it,
with the exception of one glass, which I drank.


I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle
and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.


I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink
and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it,
and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.

Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand,
counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other,
which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again,
and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.
I'm not half as thunk as you might drink.
I fool so feelish I don't know who is me,
and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
I'm not drunk you shilly sit!

'men This What The Ladies Want'

'men This What The Ladies Want'

This email landed in somone's inbox but i bet gals in kenya are horny and yet they dont get enough




The title of the email waz last evening its so horny
I don’t know where to start coz it just like one big fucking dream. Since utaka details ,details u will get.




Si I know pale sonyo alikuwa akiitusho anaengada lunch, I went there during lunch time I was outside doing window shopping u know ,nikamwona ana cam kama yuko sole. When he entered I also entered and strategically I joined him in the table tufakanya order well in the course of meals ni kaanza discussion ya technology na vile insaumbua akajoin though ilikuwa akinishow vile tcehnolgy ikom poa just like sonyo said the dude loves techanolgy. Nika show vile nilibuy comp na sasa ime crash sijui nini u know bla bla mingi. So the dude akaa zaa maswali what is the prob with comp what did I do with it mimi nani INOCENTLY ni kashow vile ili dedi





Well the dude said he knows a couple of things in comps , I really PLEADED that he assist or he refers me to a trustworthy guy who can repair my comp. well the guy fell for it flat he offered to do it himself if I brought him the machine . But who am I offered to pay his expenses to ma place just to have the machine fixed.



Well the dude is oldskul he didn’t part with his mobile no but we agreed meet at 5.30 at Kenya cinema I was there by 4.50. wow he turned up as arranged and we took double m mpake doni. By 7 nilikuwa na yeeye kwa hau that’s where I played like pro trst u what itold u is like a dream.



The dud started to “ repair” my comp u know vile tulifanya. And the dude got it back in shape as I say luck knocks to those who r prepared the stup thing that says that windows cannot find some xyz he offered to repair that and that’s where the opportunity knocked coz ha sked for that windows cd and said we had to upgrade or update by then I only my bodywas there my mind was scheming.. The who upgrading or updating whatever it was to take about an hour so I offer to cook him dinner. As he waits for the jobo to complete .



I offered him beer or juo he took juo. The dude doesn’t drink he said beer tastes like SHIT. Well I had to upper my game . unakumbuka tule Tureds twa valentine ni limshow that although alcoholic they taste like sprite and I offered one to taste which he took and commented that that’s not beer and at that moment I knew I was in the game. I gave him the whole kabox to enjoy as he upgrade the machine.



By 8.30 I was done with the kitchen and I offered to take a shower as he proceeds with his job. mama mia I changed to that kadress ya purple na ile perfume ya duty free ready to kill.

We talked was smooth and professional u know the kind.



Well the comp was done and I served the dinner I sat on his side well and I also joined in red we talked and enjoyed reds I took out the other kabox but the dude protested he couldn’t drink more so I played it safe. But I had him in box already



By the end of it one thing led to another and we were there on the couch necking n kissing. I know that’s where u wanted me to start and there I am.

Wow wamaitu the dude is a pro I mean sonyo was not lying neither was she telling us everything coz the dude played it cool n slow from top to down but woi woi the dude knows where and how to do it I mean a mind blowing FUCK. Serious the guy licked my pussy I mean LICKING as in all capital he literally ate my pussy I don’t know what he did but I wanted to scream. ndirari kuga mbu I mean I felt like I was to explode I have never come close to anything like that and the more intense it got the better he did it I thought he had swallowed my clit coz I could not feel it .reke gwire the dude did mambo he licked and I don’t know what else he did coz I was almost to faint I tell u when sonyo was saying It I though she was nut but sonyo was no where close do describing the feeling.

I had given him that pack of cd zile ulikuwa ukiniuliza ni za nani . and thats where the hell broke loose coz the dude gave me a kadoggie I have never imagined I mean he is well endowed a dick maybe 8 or 9 inches but I was feeling like am vaju coz it felt like a coke bottle was being inserted and wacha aguze ile g-spot I felt like I would pee haki I was sure that if he went of further I would have peed



Tata reke gwire my efforts were worth it I have never ever come close or imagined that’s something like that existed wacha guys who claim nini ama nini. I mean a fuck u will never forget. If I get a fuck like that twice a week I would be 16 now A fuck that makes u feel like u will die it’s like your body is cut into million pieces and every piece has an orgasm so u have like million orgasms at once . I had to check my clit afterwards to see whether it was there I though he swallowed or he licked it till it melted.



I fucked but the dude had to go I offered he spend at my place but he was firm he had to go so I offered to pay taxi but refused he said that paying taxi from doni to I think imara is illogical he left at around midnight. Trust u me I would pay him to do it again



So sista that’s what you wanted I gave u the details coz u couldn’t believe when I told u I will nail him.



I didn’t get his no he refused completely he said he will give mw in due course but I got his email its mainatk@yahoo.com try and see whether u can get him he said that he chats add him in ur messanger and get to know him u know messenger nobody asks questions then u can pin him down ama?. Now I know why sonyo is so much after the dude n doesn’t tell sonyo I fucked his idol.



By the way where did sonyo get the dude coz obviously he is not of sonyo’s class he seems to have a class not like sonyo?





Wewe I know that the banking hall in full and ur interested in fucking stories this is porn than u job server customers first lets meet sato we can plan at ma place.

comments for projects by students

This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students: It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones.

1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.
7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.
12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.
15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
18. Blood flows down one leg and up the the other.

Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my 30th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.



When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.

Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into a little private place. We had 3 beers each and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday... ...and there on the couch I sat... naked !!!

mgai fafa

On sato, i had a very unpleasant experience. after taking a girl out, aparently i had met her to the first time in town, this is all i got.. after spending over 5k with her!!:

Me: Have you got a boyfriend?
The girl: I am seeing someone but its not exclusive

Me: Hmmmmm

the girl: Huh huh

Me: So we are now official, are we now boyfriend/girlfriend?

The girl: Errr........NO.....I dont think so.

Me: Why dont you gimme a goodnight kiss?
the girl: i think swine flu came to her mind "I dont think so mate"!

Me: So why have you gone on dates with me then if you are not interested?!

The girl: "Yawns, That's because I was hungry"!!!

poor me. i never lungulad nor did i get the well deserved kiss